My Eyes!! My Eyes!!!

We got trouble.
I say we got trouble.
And it starts with T and that rhymes with P and that stands for pool.

The T of T&A fame.
The Pool of Sholem. For everyone reading this outside of Illinois, you're pronouncing Sholem wrong. It's not "shawl-ohm" or even "shawl-em"
It's Show Lom.

I know. I know. Redonkulous.
Just go with it.

Let me set the stage for you.
Sunny Saturday afternoon, post lunch crowd at the Champaign Park District pool.
Temperatures exceeding 90 degrees in solid humidity.

In this heat, the only place to be in Champaign is at the pool. As a result, everyone who lives in Champaign is there. And a few from Urbana, a couple from St. Joe and a handful from someplace called Bondville.

I feel like I knew people with pools in their yards when I was a kid? No?
Not anymore. Here we are. With the masses. Shiver.

Splashing abounds.
There is neither sufficient reclining chairs for sunning or space in pool ot swim more than three strokes without bumping into someone's ass to whom you're not related.
Ick.

Squeeling children. Balls zooming around.The round playing kinds and a few tucked into Speedos. Gotta love the European trained faculty.

Parents holding, coaching, reprimanding and ignoring their offspring in every corner of the pool.

All in all, a typical Sholem Saturday.

That is, until I saw her.

Clad in a black bikini, a woman ca-thwumping her way into the big pool. Her remarkable gait rivaling the grace of any given rhino is not what made me take notice of her.

Neither that she maybe doesn't have the figure to pull off a bikini (see ca-thwumping reference)

The maybe part? About whether sister can pull off a bikini?
Is a for sure.
You want to know whose judge and jury here sister?
Ding Ding Ding!!!!

Yes, she's smaller than me.
But she absolutely shops at Lane Bryant and if she had ever heard of Nordstrom (which, let's be honest...)she'd be wandering the 3rd floor, next to the kids clothes, same as me.

New Rule: If you're sizing outside of Ann Taylor by at least 4 sizes, a bikini is wrong.
Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong.
Show some respect.
For me.

No wonder people associate fat with lazy!
This twazoo cannot be bothered to notice she is fat in the first place. Hello?

But I digress.

Sister in black bikini had two body parts on full display for anyone to see.
No, not her bubies. Those were both racing towards her toes held up by the same sort of support I use to hold Jack's toys in the tub.

Say it with me. Min-i-mal.

And no, neither was it her twazoo or her tush escaping the confines of her $14 KMart bottoms.

It was her TWO BELLY BUTTONS on full display.

One, in the normal place. and another, about 5 inches above.

Two Belly Buttons.
In a Bikini!!!!

Lucio had to tell me to put my sunglasses down, telling me "The staring with your mouth agape is not helping".

"I think I am well within my rights as a human to ask her to return to the mothership and get the fruck off my planet!!"

Upon hearing this, Lucio grabbed Jack and headed for the lazy river. Incidentally, Jack seemed as phased as his mother and if he someday tells me he simply doesn't fancy women, I will recall this day as the one where I am certain he began to wonder.

Walking back to my chair in my figure appropriate halter suit with rooshing and skirt, thank you very much, I looked around at my fellow pool dwellers.

Yikes. "The People of Sholem Pool" is fast replacing "The People of Walmart".
If you don't know, google it.

And yes, I will try to get a picture next time.

Do aliens react poorly to having their photo taken?