Hello, AARP? I think I have some interesting news for you.

Cell phone rings.
2:45 pm on a Thursday.
In February.

I answer, "Yes, Mom."

A raspy voice says, "Hi, honey, it's Mom. Do you have any penicillin laying around the house?"

"I don't understand Mom. Do you mean antibiotics?"

"Yes, Heather. Penicillin. Antibiotics. It's the same thing. Do you have a few I could have?"

"Of prescription antibiotics?"

"Yes, Heather. Do you have any?"

"No, Mom, I don't think we do. Why would we? When we get a prescription, the instructions say to take all medication. We usually do, um, well, that."

"Oh, Heather, that's ridiculous. You feel better after a few days. You don't need them all. The doctor always gives a few extra. Don't you usually call for a refill and then keep it around for the next time? I have a terrible sore throat."

Pause. Longer Pause. Is it possible I am doing this wrong?

"Sorry. No. Sore throat, huh? Maybe it's the dry air? It's pretty dry and cold here and you did live in Florida - which is usually pretty um, moist. Maybe you need a cough drop?"

Snarky subtle judgment meets screaming silence.

"I guess I'll call my doctor to get something filled up here. You really should keep those around for when Lucio gets whatever you have or vice vera. You could give it to Jack!"

" Give what to Jack? He's been through day care and is now in Kindergarten - he's doing the backstroke in a petridish as we speak. Sorry, okay Mom. Wait - You're doctor will do that?"

"Do what?"

"Call in a prescription from a phone call?"


"Of course he will. Yours won't?

"I can diagnose pink-eye and strep at 20 paces and I still need fork over my co-pay. Aren't antibiotics for things that are viral. How do you know this is viral?"

"What honey? I didn't hear you. The baby is squeeling. I know it's viral because I had the same cold when I left here after Christmas. Can you pick it up for me? Where should I have it called into?"

"The Walgreen at Springfield and Mattis. Let me google the number. And, um, it was cold at Christmas too. Again, moisture."


"Thank you, honey. Hey, are you feeling better? Did you go to the doctor?"

"No, not for a sore throat."

Click.