Toot Toot

Blop. Blop. Blop.

Giggle. Giggle. Giggle.

Two teeth missing, Jack slides around the tub laughing his 5 year old head off.

"Mommy, I tooted."

"Yes, Jack, I know...I heard it, and now I smell it. It's just gas."

"Hee hee hee what? It's what?"

"Gas. Toots are just gas from the food we eat."

"Really? What foods, Mommy?"

"In your case, broccoli and beans."

"I don't eat beans Mommy. You know that."

"Really, are green beans beans?"

"No, Mommy. Green beans are not beans. They are green beans. Duh."

"Okay, well, these things make gas and it comes out as toots. Let's go, buddy. Bath, Books, Bed." Kind of like "Gym, Tan, Laundry" except with genuine earning potential.

A few minutes later we're liberally applying Aquafore to every bendy part of our child. He gets really really dry. Like desert dry.

I've been lotioning him like this since he was born. Danielle said you knew Jack was ready for bed because he was easily seen by his reflecting off the moon.

"Why don't you put lotion on my bottom Mommy?"

"Do you need lotion on your tush?"

"No. But why don't you put it on me like you put on Piper."

"I still give you a massage, just like Piper."

"But you put the lotion all around her gashole."


Jack had to finish lotioning himself.
The adults in the room were dizzy from laughing so hard.

Damn it, the kid is already funnier than me.