Miss Davis if you're nasty

I have this idea in my head where I am too cool for school, but then I remember school - both high school and college - and my dreams are dashed.

It goes without saying, I was never cool in high school.
Who knew everyone felt insecure then though? Is that one of the things Facebook is teaching us? One, just when the page starts to look familiar, they will move it around arbitrarily. And Two, the cool kids in high school were just as shitty to each other as they were to everyone else.

I was cool for two months in 1991.
In said two months, I was older than all of my roommates and could buy beer without making some fairly inappropriate comments to men in parking lots with Anita and Eileen on look out for cops?

Soon enough, Chris Vail was 21 and I knew I had had my time in the sun.

But I digress.

Hands down, my coolest friend is Jamie Davis.

When Jamie calls, he starts talking like we saw each other 2 hours earlier in Peter's kitchen. Sometimes he says "Oh, hello, Heather...it's your younger and prettier sister calling."

Sorry, quick tangent -
Jamie was one of Lucio's groomsmen.
He made the toast at the wedding.
After our big choreographed dance (me and Lucio) all guests were invited to join us on the dance floor.
Jamie and Peter slow danced.
Peter is Jamie's partner. Oh, and Peter looks like Richard Gere - whenever my mother sees him, she touchs him randomly and inexplicably.

Shortly after the whole group dancing thing, my 80 year old Aunt went up to my father and whispered to the table at large, "Tommy, there were two men dancing together!"

To which my father said, "Well, they are partners."

Auntie retorted smuggly, "In business?"

My mother, well into her third Jack Daniels, chimed, "Yes, dear, in a sense. Peter takes very good care of Jamie."

Mom then went to dance with all five of the gay men - including Peter and Jamie - who were tearing up the dance floor.

Back to Jamie.
He called today.

"Heather Finneran (I mentioned he was at our wedding, right?) I had a sex dream about you last night. We were at Peter's house, and we were in bed and I asked you if Lucio was here, and you didn't seem at all concerned that he was downstairs. And I had a total chubby. And you were glorious in your curves and I was so into kissing you. It was amazing!"

Normally, when anyone has any dream about me, my elitism shoots through the roof.
But an actual sex dream?
Too much to hope for.
Especially Jamie Davis.

You see, Jamie Davis is the pied piper.
Everyone wants to be near him.
He's like oxygen. And really, what isn't better with air?

He has his fair share of heterosexual women who've wanted nothing more than for him to tumble off the gay train - even a slip fall - and to be there to catch him.

At one point, there was this new woman friend in his life.
I didn't like her then. I don't like her now.
She believed Jamie Davis could be hers.
She was rigorous in her pursuit of our man.

She managed to get him to make out with her once when he was drunk.
And tired. This is my memory of the story. There are other details that don't leave this woman I don't like looking as bad, but hell, it's my blog, right?
Then she got all girlie nuts when he told her he was still gay.
Um, Hello?
Idiot.

When Leslie, Mel and I heard this news, Leslie announced, "Listen, honey, there's a line of women waiting for Jamie Davis to not be gay, so take a fucking number and go to the end of the line."

With all this said, when Jamie told me he'd had this dream about me, I didn't have the reaction I was sure for the past decade I would have.

I was annoyed.

And you know why.

Glorious in my curves.

Indeed.

Uh, yes, I am still exercising and trying to be better. I am down 10 pounds since new years.

10 pounds is not what it used to be.